the Witty Insult Campaign

Editorial note: This is a post I began writing about a month ago.  In light of recent continued harassment in both my case and L's, I decided to post this even if I wasn't quite finished writing it.  I may add more later...

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I got whistled at on the way to work this morning, which was annoying not least because it disrupted my train of thought regarding the ontic status of entanglement relations. But it did serve as a reminder that I had promised some time ago to begin collecting and distributing good come-backs for women in situations of light- to moderate-harassment. Well, it's a Friday afternoon, it's summertime, I'm procrastinating, and this blog could use a bit of lightness, eh? Methinks the time is ripe to launch the Witty Insult Campaign.  This is, of course, just the beginning...

* * *
Scenario: You are whistled at/honked at/shouted at by guys flying past in a motorized vehicle
Response:  "You have perfectly expressed my feelings about the present economy!"
Response If You Happen to Have Raw Eggs and/or Water Balloons On Your Person:  Utilize those projectiles, my darlings.  Don't forget to account for wind resistance.

* * *
Scenario: You are verbally accosted with a whistle, a grunt, a "that's right, baby", a sleazy once-over or an ostentatious leer
Response: Give the idiot a once-over yourself, squinch-up your face and say, "But you, sir, look like [insert one of the following:
                                                               "a giant, used diaper"
                                                               "a moustache with rabies"
                                                               "a homeless pineapple"
                                                               "a motherless, hairless goat"]  
Response Courtesy of Tina Fey: "If you look at me like that again I will smack those teeth straight."
Responses Courtesy of Shakespeare:   
-- "Thou clouted ill-breeding horn-beast!"
--"Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes"
--"Thou wimpled hedge-born flap-dragon!"  (sadly, this one only applies if the dude is wearing a wimple)
--"Thou cullionly beef-witted mammet!" (I particularly like this one.  Go ahead: look up 'cullion' in the dic.)
--"Thou puking, hasty-witted pumpion!"


That's it for now.  Go get 'em, girls.