I've been trying to stay apart from the #yesallwomen phenomenon sparked by egregious acts of violence at UC Santa Barbara not long ago. This is primarily a survival strategy on my part -- I can't afford to loose that kind of anger right now.
But I do want to respond briefly by (1) posting a link which provides a glimpse of what the movement is all about, and (2) stating what I take to be the underlying point.
(1) This link publishes together 17 tweets affiliated with the movement that succinctly provide common responses to the myriad issues being discussed. All of them are representative of the broader movement; many of them express attitudes I readily relate to.
(2) I want to respond briefly to the #notallmen counter-movement with a statement that many others have already made, but nevertheless which I believe is the major lesson to be gleaned from this:
Those of us who are speaking out against sexual harassment are not claiming that all men engage in such activities. Yet the fact remains that all of the women we know have been sexually harassed by men (hence "yes, all women"). Can you appreciate the logic here? The issue is not a call to misandry, but rather a call for men to recognize that sexual harassment is a "fact of life" for women -- even in the U.S. -- and that this is an unacceptable, intolerable state of affairs.
In the country where I currently live, I am harassed (to varying degrees) nearly every day. This is part of the reason why I haven't been more vocal about #yesallwomen -- it's hard enough to fight my own individual battle. Just walking to the bus or to buy groceries or to choir practice or taking a taxi is an anxiety-inducing, stressful occasion that saps my strength noticeably. I am constantly on-edge and often seething with anger just below the surface. It isn't this intense in the U.S. (thank God), as far as just walking on the street goes. But it is still intolerably bad in other venues.
Awareness is the first step --and that means you, men. Because all women are/have been/continue to be sexually harassed whether or not you are aware of it, and whether or not you are the cause of it.
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Showing posts with label conflict. Show all posts
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Responding to Street Harassment
I was in a railway station in a major urban center tonight. I was thinking about the lecture I'd just heard and walking quickly so I'd have time to dart into one of the shops and buy a bottle of water before getting on the train. A guy comes up to me. He falls into step beside me and gets very close to my face. I take about five more steps, long enough to hear some commentary about what I'm wearing, and interupt him by saying coolly, "do I know you?" His answer does not bear repeating -- although it was a decided no -- and I did something I have never done before. I raised my voice and said loudly, "Leave me alone!"
This did not work, so I yelled:
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Now, I am a singer with a reasonable lung capacity and no fear of volume. I was in a crowded and particularly acoustically-lively railway station.
It worked the second time.
In the past, I've responded to street harassment with a jolt of shock and surprise and then have continued on my way, trying to cool my burning cheeks and ignore whatever had just happened. Today was not the day for that. I've felt badly bullied this week, and he picked the wrong girl on the wrong day, and I was not about to take any nonsense from anybody. The whole thing was an odd mix of completely terrifying and a little satisfying. But I did learn a few good lessons.
1. It's ok to make a fuss. Women are so strongly socialized not to do this. Be polite, take it as a compliment, blah blah blah bullshit. Make a fuss. Draw attention to inappropriate behavior. Alert strangers that you may need help.
2. But be smart about where you do it. In the nanosecond before I yelled, I had this flash of adrenaline-driven clarity. I knew exactly what I was going to say, I knew exactly where I was going to walk as soon as I said it so I could see if he was following me, I saw that there were a lot of people (including several women) standing around who would notice. Public well-lit place with lots of people? Go for it. Dark isolated place? Just keep walking. (This, by the way, is why you should not wear shoes you cannot walk in unaided.)
3. Be clear and unequivocal in what you say. No conversation, no deflection, no chitchat, no explaining. It is not your responsibility to teach him manners or to protect his feelings. No name-calling or profanity either. "Leave me alone" worked well for me, and I will try to remember it in the future.
Any other favorite responses? Do share.
This did not work, so I yelled:
"LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Now, I am a singer with a reasonable lung capacity and no fear of volume. I was in a crowded and particularly acoustically-lively railway station.
It worked the second time.
In the past, I've responded to street harassment with a jolt of shock and surprise and then have continued on my way, trying to cool my burning cheeks and ignore whatever had just happened. Today was not the day for that. I've felt badly bullied this week, and he picked the wrong girl on the wrong day, and I was not about to take any nonsense from anybody. The whole thing was an odd mix of completely terrifying and a little satisfying. But I did learn a few good lessons.
1. It's ok to make a fuss. Women are so strongly socialized not to do this. Be polite, take it as a compliment, blah blah blah bullshit. Make a fuss. Draw attention to inappropriate behavior. Alert strangers that you may need help.
2. But be smart about where you do it. In the nanosecond before I yelled, I had this flash of adrenaline-driven clarity. I knew exactly what I was going to say, I knew exactly where I was going to walk as soon as I said it so I could see if he was following me, I saw that there were a lot of people (including several women) standing around who would notice. Public well-lit place with lots of people? Go for it. Dark isolated place? Just keep walking. (This, by the way, is why you should not wear shoes you cannot walk in unaided.)
3. Be clear and unequivocal in what you say. No conversation, no deflection, no chitchat, no explaining. It is not your responsibility to teach him manners or to protect his feelings. No name-calling or profanity either. "Leave me alone" worked well for me, and I will try to remember it in the future.
Any other favorite responses? Do share.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
the Witty Insult Campaign
Editorial note: This is a post I began writing about a month ago. In light of recent continued harassment in both my case and L's, I decided to post this even if I wasn't quite finished writing it. I may add more later...
----
I got whistled at on the way to work this morning, which was annoying not least because it disrupted my train of thought regarding the ontic status of entanglement relations. But it did serve as a reminder that I had promised some time ago to begin collecting and distributing good come-backs for women in situations of light- to moderate-harassment. Well, it's a Friday afternoon, it's summertime, I'm procrastinating, and this blog could use a bit of lightness, eh? Methinks the time is ripe to launch the Witty Insult Campaign. This is, of course, just the beginning...
* * *
Scenario: You are whistled at/honked at/shouted at by guys flying past in a motorized vehicle
Response: "You have perfectly expressed my feelings about the present economy!"
Response If You Happen to Have Raw Eggs and/or Water Balloons On Your Person: Utilize those projectiles, my darlings. Don't forget to account for wind resistance.
* * *
Scenario: You are verbally accosted with a whistle, a grunt, a "that's right, baby", a sleazy once-over or an ostentatious leer
Response: Give the idiot a once-over yourself, squinch-up your face and say, "But you, sir, look like [insert one of the following:
"a giant, used diaper"
"a moustache with rabies"
"a homeless pineapple"
"a motherless, hairless goat"]
Response Courtesy of Tina Fey: "If you look at me like that again I will smack those teeth straight."
Responses Courtesy of Shakespeare:
-- "Thou clouted ill-breeding horn-beast!"
--"Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes"
--"Thou wimpled hedge-born flap-dragon!" (sadly, this one only applies if the dude is wearing a wimple)
--"Thou cullionly beef-witted mammet!" (I particularly like this one. Go ahead: look up 'cullion' in the dic.)
--"Thou puking, hasty-witted pumpion!"
That's it for now. Go get 'em, girls.
----
I got whistled at on the way to work this morning, which was annoying not least because it disrupted my train of thought regarding the ontic status of entanglement relations. But it did serve as a reminder that I had promised some time ago to begin collecting and distributing good come-backs for women in situations of light- to moderate-harassment. Well, it's a Friday afternoon, it's summertime, I'm procrastinating, and this blog could use a bit of lightness, eh? Methinks the time is ripe to launch the Witty Insult Campaign. This is, of course, just the beginning...
* * *
Scenario: You are whistled at/honked at/shouted at by guys flying past in a motorized vehicle
Response: "You have perfectly expressed my feelings about the present economy!"
Response If You Happen to Have Raw Eggs and/or Water Balloons On Your Person: Utilize those projectiles, my darlings. Don't forget to account for wind resistance.
* * *
Scenario: You are verbally accosted with a whistle, a grunt, a "that's right, baby", a sleazy once-over or an ostentatious leer
Response: Give the idiot a once-over yourself, squinch-up your face and say, "But you, sir, look like [insert one of the following:
"a giant, used diaper"
"a moustache with rabies"
"a homeless pineapple"
"a motherless, hairless goat"]
Response Courtesy of Tina Fey: "If you look at me like that again I will smack those teeth straight."
Responses Courtesy of Shakespeare:
-- "Thou clouted ill-breeding horn-beast!"
--"Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes"
--"Thou wimpled hedge-born flap-dragon!" (sadly, this one only applies if the dude is wearing a wimple)
--"Thou cullionly beef-witted mammet!" (I particularly like this one. Go ahead: look up 'cullion' in the dic.)
--"Thou puking, hasty-witted pumpion!"
That's it for now. Go get 'em, girls.
Tuesday, June 18, 2013
Speaking of domestic violence...
... you may have seen the horrifying pictures of Nigella Lawson being strangled in a restaurant by her husband, who later said that the incident was merely a "playful tiff." Wiser people than I have responded to that particular incident, but I just wanted to take the opportunity to issue this general reminder:
Domestic violence is a real problem. It is everywhere: among the wealthy, the poor, the beautiful, the homely, the educated, the illiterate, the religious, the secular. No group of people is magically made immune. And violence from a date, a family member, a partner, or a spouse is never ok.
Update: Everyone, men and women, should read Gavin De Becker's The Gift of Fear. This book had been on my list of things to read for years, and I finally got around to it. I'm sorry it took me so long. If you think you may be suffering from abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE.
Domestic violence is a real problem. It is everywhere: among the wealthy, the poor, the beautiful, the homely, the educated, the illiterate, the religious, the secular. No group of people is magically made immune. And violence from a date, a family member, a partner, or a spouse is never ok.
Update: Everyone, men and women, should read Gavin De Becker's The Gift of Fear. This book had been on my list of things to read for years, and I finally got around to it. I'm sorry it took me so long. If you think you may be suffering from abuse, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-SAFE.
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Blethering Idiots
Oh, dear friends. Would that you were with me here today to snap me out of my mood.
I walked to the bus stop this morning amidst gale-force winds here in The Land In Which I Live, eventually hopping on a double-decker for the 32 minute commute to my office. I was reading a publication of the Rede Lectures from several years ago, minding my own nerdy business as per usual while the bus bumbled along the high street, when I began to notice increasingly loud and rude conversation between two young dudes at the back. Their invasive interactions with each other frequently included a third party on speaker phone, usually incorporated lots of, um, choice vocabulary, and several times involved rapping sharply on the windows for a sustained time to get the attention of someone on the street below.
Sweet Lincoln's Mullet it was annoying. But after news of the bombings yesterday in Boston, I reflected that perhaps there were bigger things to be annoyed about than two punks on a bus.
I'm sad to say my resolve faded quickly. After yet another round of sharp banging on the window, I turned around just to see what in the name of Odin's Beard was going on. I should not have made eye contact. Because when I got off the bus shortly thereafter, both of them howled after me like that damn wolf in the old Betty Boop cartoons (please tell me I'm not the only one who desperately wants to stab Betty Boop in the leg with a spork, repeatedly.) I was furious, but did nothing. And now I'm in my office trying to put the incident out of my head by working or at least meditating on weightier world issues, but am unable to get past the injustice that women still have to deal with this kind of [insert scatological synonym] on a regular basis-- that just because I happen to have a vagina, two dudes felt it was within their rights to invade the entire bus's space and publicly demean my personhood. Even worse, perhaps, is the thought that while I left the bus and launched into a serious think about how to make the world better for my nieces and other precious young women, those two dingleberries no doubt sauntered off the bus, went to piss on a flowerbed in someone's yard, and then carried on with their days.
Now, I am personally blessed not to experience this kind of effrontery on a daily basis, but when I do I usually have enough gumption to shoot the offending party an angry look or reply with something that is equal parts witty and cutting (...even if only in my head, and several minutes later). I am convinced that women should NOT just walk away as I did today, because then we are sending the message that this sort of rapscallion behavior is okay, and women just have to accept it as part of life.
We sure as hell don't. This is not a case of turn the other cheek, my dearies, because I suspect that most of these men are too self-absorbed or unaware to realize that their asinine, unwelcome and offensive commentary really affects us. Therefore, I want to launch a Witty Insult Campaign. Every woman should collect a few good comments for her arsenal, and then deploy them when the time is right. Sometimes women will say to me they feel unsafe responding to hecklers. I argue that usually these incidents occur in quite public places (like a street or on a bus), that there is no bite to back up the bark (just a man feeling he is free to express himself however he pleases, wherever, whenever, and to whomever), and finally, in keeping with my assumptions about the originators of such commentary, they aren't anticipating a comeback because they don't see their target as human and capable of response. Hence, they will be dumbfounded or respond unintelligibly, by which time you will have put more distance and persons between yourself and the idiot. I also believe that if our retort is of a sufficiently "Oh, SNAP!" nature, the (i) public embarrassment of the offender and (ii) the entertainment value for all bystanders will cause all parties to ponder the incident more than they would otherwise. It's all about raising awareness, you see.
If we let heckling go on uncommented or adopt a passive attitude toward it, then it will become normalized--an accepted social practice--to even greater degree than it is already. Surely a more active approach is warranted. So today I'm going to begin compiling a list of snarky comments for men who feel it is their prerogative to verbally assault me in public. (A good place to start is the list Tina Fey gives to misogynist critics in Bossy Pants. Hilarious.)
Feel free to contribute.
I walked to the bus stop this morning amidst gale-force winds here in The Land In Which I Live, eventually hopping on a double-decker for the 32 minute commute to my office. I was reading a publication of the Rede Lectures from several years ago, minding my own nerdy business as per usual while the bus bumbled along the high street, when I began to notice increasingly loud and rude conversation between two young dudes at the back. Their invasive interactions with each other frequently included a third party on speaker phone, usually incorporated lots of, um, choice vocabulary, and several times involved rapping sharply on the windows for a sustained time to get the attention of someone on the street below.
Sweet Lincoln's Mullet it was annoying. But after news of the bombings yesterday in Boston, I reflected that perhaps there were bigger things to be annoyed about than two punks on a bus.
I'm sad to say my resolve faded quickly. After yet another round of sharp banging on the window, I turned around just to see what in the name of Odin's Beard was going on. I should not have made eye contact. Because when I got off the bus shortly thereafter, both of them howled after me like that damn wolf in the old Betty Boop cartoons (please tell me I'm not the only one who desperately wants to stab Betty Boop in the leg with a spork, repeatedly.) I was furious, but did nothing. And now I'm in my office trying to put the incident out of my head by working or at least meditating on weightier world issues, but am unable to get past the injustice that women still have to deal with this kind of [insert scatological synonym] on a regular basis-- that just because I happen to have a vagina, two dudes felt it was within their rights to invade the entire bus's space and publicly demean my personhood. Even worse, perhaps, is the thought that while I left the bus and launched into a serious think about how to make the world better for my nieces and other precious young women, those two dingleberries no doubt sauntered off the bus, went to piss on a flowerbed in someone's yard, and then carried on with their days.
Now, I am personally blessed not to experience this kind of effrontery on a daily basis, but when I do I usually have enough gumption to shoot the offending party an angry look or reply with something that is equal parts witty and cutting (...even if only in my head, and several minutes later). I am convinced that women should NOT just walk away as I did today, because then we are sending the message that this sort of rapscallion behavior is okay, and women just have to accept it as part of life.
We sure as hell don't. This is not a case of turn the other cheek, my dearies, because I suspect that most of these men are too self-absorbed or unaware to realize that their asinine, unwelcome and offensive commentary really affects us. Therefore, I want to launch a Witty Insult Campaign. Every woman should collect a few good comments for her arsenal, and then deploy them when the time is right. Sometimes women will say to me they feel unsafe responding to hecklers. I argue that usually these incidents occur in quite public places (like a street or on a bus), that there is no bite to back up the bark (just a man feeling he is free to express himself however he pleases, wherever, whenever, and to whomever), and finally, in keeping with my assumptions about the originators of such commentary, they aren't anticipating a comeback because they don't see their target as human and capable of response. Hence, they will be dumbfounded or respond unintelligibly, by which time you will have put more distance and persons between yourself and the idiot. I also believe that if our retort is of a sufficiently "Oh, SNAP!" nature, the (i) public embarrassment of the offender and (ii) the entertainment value for all bystanders will cause all parties to ponder the incident more than they would otherwise. It's all about raising awareness, you see.
If we let heckling go on uncommented or adopt a passive attitude toward it, then it will become normalized--an accepted social practice--to even greater degree than it is already. Surely a more active approach is warranted. So today I'm going to begin compiling a list of snarky comments for men who feel it is their prerogative to verbally assault me in public. (A good place to start is the list Tina Fey gives to misogynist critics in Bossy Pants. Hilarious.)
Feel free to contribute.
Monday, March 18, 2013
On Steubenville
I don't know if things are worse now than they were, say, ten years ago, or if it's just that I'm paying more attention now, but I can't believe some of the rhetoric around rape and sexual violence these days. It makes me inarticulate with rage. So I'll pass along a few of the more thoughtful responses I've read and call it a day.
"The Steubenville rape victim was certainly someone’s daughter. She may have been someone’s sister. Someday she might even be someone’s wife. But these are not the reasons why raping her was wrong. This rape, and any rape, was wrong because women are people. Women are people, rape is wrong, and no one should ever be raped. End of story." Read it all.
And the always-inflammatory but totally-on-the-money Gawker take on CNN's coverage here:
"For readers interested in learning more about how not to be labeled as registered sex offenders, a good first step is not to rape unconscious women, no matter how good your grades are. Regardless of the strength of your GPA (weighted or unweighted), if you commit rape, there is a possibility you may someday be convicted of a sex crime. This is because of your decision to commit a sex crime instead of going for a walk, or reading a book by Cormac McCarthy. Your ability to perform calculus or play football is generally not taken into consideration in a court of law. Should you prefer to be known as 'Good student and excellent football player [blank]' rather than 'Convicted sex offender [blank],' try stressing the studying and tackling and giving the sex crimes a miss altogether."
Or there's a Catholic perspective on rape culture more braodly here:
"Our culture surrounding sex is violent, exploitative and destructive to the dignity of women. Rape is Rape.....The Didache speaks of the way of death and John Paul II the culture of death, and for me, one clear example of this is the pervasive acceptance of sexual violence against women and girls. When we participate in and allow the persistence of the culture of rape exposed by this case through our complicity (and the complicity of so many others beginning that night but continuing through the trial is striking) we are facilitating the culture of death, we are following the way of death."
Lord, have mercy.
"The Steubenville rape victim was certainly someone’s daughter. She may have been someone’s sister. Someday she might even be someone’s wife. But these are not the reasons why raping her was wrong. This rape, and any rape, was wrong because women are people. Women are people, rape is wrong, and no one should ever be raped. End of story." Read it all.
And the always-inflammatory but totally-on-the-money Gawker take on CNN's coverage here:
"For readers interested in learning more about how not to be labeled as registered sex offenders, a good first step is not to rape unconscious women, no matter how good your grades are. Regardless of the strength of your GPA (weighted or unweighted), if you commit rape, there is a possibility you may someday be convicted of a sex crime. This is because of your decision to commit a sex crime instead of going for a walk, or reading a book by Cormac McCarthy. Your ability to perform calculus or play football is generally not taken into consideration in a court of law. Should you prefer to be known as 'Good student and excellent football player [blank]' rather than 'Convicted sex offender [blank],' try stressing the studying and tackling and giving the sex crimes a miss altogether."
Or there's a Catholic perspective on rape culture more braodly here:
"Our culture surrounding sex is violent, exploitative and destructive to the dignity of women. Rape is Rape.....The Didache speaks of the way of death and John Paul II the culture of death, and for me, one clear example of this is the pervasive acceptance of sexual violence against women and girls. When we participate in and allow the persistence of the culture of rape exposed by this case through our complicity (and the complicity of so many others beginning that night but continuing through the trial is striking) we are facilitating the culture of death, we are following the way of death."
Lord, have mercy.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
A sobering Valentine's Day
Distressed by the news from South Africa this morning, I spent a few minutes on google; how frequent is murder by a partner or ex-partner, I wondered. Here, for your perusal, are some
chilling statistics from the UN:
Women aged 15-44 are more... at risk from rape and domestic violence than from cancer, car accidents, war and malaria.
Half of all women who die from homicide are killed by their current or former husbands or partners.
In the Democratic Republic of Congo approximately 1,100 rapes are being reported each month, with an average of 36 women and girls raped every day. It is believed that over 200,000 women have suffered from sexual violence in that country since armed conflict began.
Between 100 and 140 million girls and women alive today have undergone Female Genital Mutilation.
Women aged 15-44 are more... at risk from rape and domestic violence than from cancer, car accidents, war and malaria.
Half of all women who die from homicide are killed by their current or former husbands or partners.
In the Democratic Republic of Congo approximately 1,100 rapes are being reported each month, with an average of 36 women and girls raped every day. It is believed that over 200,000 women have suffered from sexual violence in that country since armed conflict began.
Between 100 and 140 million girls and women alive today have undergone Female Genital Mutilation.
So I spent today not celebrating love, but mourning for those whose lives have been broken by that violence. And, as sad as it made me, it somehow felt more productive than resentfully flicking candy hearts across my desk and into the wastepaper basket. Kyrie eleison.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Gender, Generations, and Faculty Conflict
In today's Chronicle of Higher Education, historian Caroline Walker Bynum muses about coming of academic age in the 1960's and offers a little advice for modern academics and feminists: "With our squabbles about how and whether to 'have it all' and our talk of 70s versus 90s feminism -- behind which we barricade ourselves, defending our choices and definitions -- we are in danger of betraying our own next generation." Read it all.
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